He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
