not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
