What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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