Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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