Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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