a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
