You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
