can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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