fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
