I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
