I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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