my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
