come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
