You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
