i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
