You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
