i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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