she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
worst night to have a conscience
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
