She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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