Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
