it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
