he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
