jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
