Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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