Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
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she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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