watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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