Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
