How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
