my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Vodka?
Forever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
