i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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