oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
