She is in my trunk
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
