I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
