I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?