A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
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Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?