you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
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in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
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If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.