i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
