i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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