I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
