beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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