I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Someone signed my nipple.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
