so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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