so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
