remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
