that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Can you bring me the toilet please
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
