oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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