So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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