I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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