sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
