apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
