so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
