Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The uberlube is also flammable
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
