i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
