The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
